It is the end of another year, with a few days to go.

Each of the past three years, I have told myself “finish my memoir”. The more I work at it, the more classes I take, the more people who comment, I begin to see patterns. Stress points. Ways I’m holding back; some good some bad. Looking at lists of things I cover, how I organized it from day one versus day 100 or 1000. There are a few people and places I come back to who have encouraged me and given me tips on how I am approaching things and how I can approach them. Every time I pull out a list, a comment, books, binders, computer files to read, something is highlighted and comes into clearer focus. Resolution.

I want to slowly (honestly recognizing my process) develop a website and am thinking about what I want. I have some roughed in pages here, not really useful yet. But also see a number of people using Substack which goes out in email format I think. Ages ago, I asked one writer friend about it as an option and got a link to a few other writer sites who use it. I think very slowly when I’m not thinking too quickly. One reason is the residual dissociation that lingers around ‘no fly zones’ in my life. Writing being one of them. Communication, people connection, telling my story. It doesn’t exist beside an on/off switch that I could conveniently flip as needed. No, it’s somewhere wired into the works – what’s that phrase people use – I forget.

Last night, I pulled out binder notes and again sat to rewrite (transcribe) pages I stacked in order of importance based on the people and resources offered to me the past three years. Some things won’t change, some will be in different location in the telling, and some things are new since my first draft went out for comment to a friend and then some instructors. The couch is in a new place. I’m working on a lap desk. I have a fresh stack of paper and I hope the little things like that will be enough to tip the scale and let me bring this to a different resolution. Allow the focus to move in and out, look at timings and influence, things near and far.

This year, it is also important to me to complete a chapbook of poetry, and begin telling things I written here about me and Jack and the brief span of our life together. How and when that will come together can determine itself, but I want to be intentional in keeping notes and where or how I place them.

On December 18th, I did a ten minute talk ‘sharing my story’ at Stories On Stage. At that length of time, no it is not my whole story, but I did enjoy the bits I shared. Thoughts on words, life, motherhood and children. A lot on language and why words matter to me. I want to do more of this alongside continuing in written forms; memoir, here, poems. Some of the difficult topics come more naturally just talking about them and in the past year, they have intersected with places I broached working through crises of faith and community that got mentioned in memoir notes and worked out more talking with people following Jordan Peterson, a few others, and talking among themselves about a thing they call The Meaning Crisis. I thought it was just me, but given some reasons why, I think I’ll forgive myself for being a little dense or self focused.

This week (yes, I’m writing in bits over several days) I have worked on basics of a YouTube channel. Name, about, interests, why, why, why am I doing this besides I like to write and hear myself talk. While half kidding, I more aware of my delight in sharing conversations and interests with others, including my writing community, faith communities, local connections through art, and general life. I am enjoying these more and more, and appreciating the way being part of others’ lives invests in my own.

Wish me well. It’s a new, old journey taking new trails. I may get a bit tangled up at times, but the adventure is always ahead of me.

And yes, I’m working on my memoir (first one) and other writing goals. It feels good.